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A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR..........

 
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greg
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 2:54 am    Post subject: A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR.......... Reply with quote

A guy walks in a bar and says he wants to hire a prostitute. The bartender says "Save your money by hiring a biologist--they're cheaper and they do whatever you say."
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Tom
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't quit your day job!!
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Don Smith
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 7:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Customer asks a floor clerk for directions to find Polish Sausage.
"Are you Polish?" the clerk asks.
Irate, the customer responds,"If I asked for tortillas would you ask if I were Mexican? If I asked for rice would you ask if I were Japanese?"
"Well sir,"the clerk responded,"this is a Home Depot."
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Yuri
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 8:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Badum tish.

He'll be here all week, folks. Try the chef's special veal scallopini. And don't forget to tip your waiter.
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Don Smith
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 9:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dec. 1, 2011,(Reuters)
The Polish government today announced the purchase of ten thousand septic tanks. After a period of operational training, an invasion of Russia is planned.
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" A bayonet is a tool with a worker at both ends."- Lenin
Patriotism is a manifestation of the Stockholm Syndrome.
"How does it become a man to behave toward this American government to-day? I answer that he cannot without disgrace be associated with it."
-Thoreau
"Information is the currency of Democracy." Jefferson
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Don Smith
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just to show that I think I get the drift of the original post,(before I hijacked it), "experts" might make a pretty good living pushing pseudo-science for the mob.
Always remember Gallileo's "nonetheless, they move" comment as the Inquisition silenced him.
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" A bayonet is a tool with a worker at both ends."- Lenin
Patriotism is a manifestation of the Stockholm Syndrome.
"How does it become a man to behave toward this American government to-day? I answer that he cannot without disgrace be associated with it."
-Thoreau
"Information is the currency of Democracy." Jefferson
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Yuri
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Joined: 28 Jan 2007
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Location: Vancouver, B.C.

PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2011 8:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, two can play this game:

Herb Cain walks into a saloon and asks the bartender whether he can help the bar keep's wife financially.

The barman looks Cain up and down and says: "Hey, aren't you that pizza guy who's running for president?"

To which Cain responds: "Absolutely!. The Kenyan Muslim has bet on me to place and show."



Thank you. Thank you. You're too kind.
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Yuri
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2011 9:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, here's another:

An old timer wearing a "9-9-9" button hobbles into a bar with the aid of his walking stick and asks the barman for a triple Zombie.

The bartender slides him his drink and observes: "You must be a Cain supporter........"

The old man breaks into toothless smile and forlornly wheezes: "I was ......... until he started hiring biologists."


Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked


[Note to Jon, Jay, Jimmy, and Conan: My agent can be reached via LinkedIn]
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Tom
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2011 3:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Apparently, the only thing that can be done in this comedy club is drink.
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Bill Frank
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2011 5:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
Anyone can Roast Beef.


What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
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Tom
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2011 6:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Comedy is all about timing. I guess I read at a differant pace.




Thank God for a two drink minimum!!!
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greg
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2011 4:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What does your father do for a living?
He is a magician. He cuts people in two.
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Yes, one half-brother and one half-sister....




A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, whisper in my ear."


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